The death of Isabella is approaching one year. Our lives have changed and they will not be the same again and we feel - I feel very alone. Maybe God should be enough; probably He should be and maybe if I were closer to Him He would be, but at this point in my life, He is not.
I really don’t know where I should be at right now. I know that everything I have held dear to in my life has had to be let go. I let go of my ministry (what little of that it was anyway). I let go of my daughter. We let go of homeschooling. I let go of the music that I love so dearly not knowing if I will ever pick it back up again. I let go of part of my wife and she sinks in to a lack of contentedness that I have never seen in her before, not materially but just unsatisfied with life. I cannot be all that she needs, but sadly, for the most part, I am all that she has.
Everyone has moved on with their lives, some quicker than others. On the rare occasion that I am asked about how we are doing it comes in the form of “how is Gladys doing?” I do not say that to get pity but I really am not a factor in the equation to most people. Maybe it is too scary for them to ask face to face. Maybe I put on a good front and it appears I am holding everything together just fine. Maybe people really just don’t care and they ask me because they know that I will just say everything is fine, even though it is not.
The truth is we have bad months and we have worse months. Gladys still has a lot of trouble being in places when people start ooing and awing over babies that are present. It just goes through her. I think that is normal and I really do understand why that would bother her. But I can hear other people’s thoughts in my head now. “Why haven’t you just gotten over this by now?” Well to answer that question we are not over it now. We are in a funk with every area of our lives. We have sought counseling and it has and does help. But it doesn’t erase the pain that no one really cares that much anymore. They never bonded with our child; they have just moved on sympathizing with us. And I knew this would happen it is normal for those dis-attached. But there are others who I really feel should give us more comfort and more concern. Those really close to us close to me; they just don’t ever talk about things. They talk about anything else they possibly can. They talk non-stop about other people’s problems and other people’s loss but really never inquire about our own. And it does hurt. I wish there was more honesty in my relationships. Some of that is my own fault, I admit that. I am so introverted and the older I get the worse being an introvert seems to get.
Anyway, that is how I feel right now. Life is very unsatisfying. My children are my only real source of joy at the moment and I find myself getting short with them many times. I love my wife but some days it is hard when we both have so much pain to deal with. We are getting through it together but it is a real battle we must work at so hard together every day. My job is frustrating because it is just that, a job. There does not seem to be purpose to what I do and one of my strengths is belief. I need to have a strong belief in what I do with my life and when that is not there it is hard to get satisfaction out of what I do. Don’t get me wrong. I love computer work. I love learning code and languages for the computer but I want to believe that what I am doing is helping the world – making a difference to God. It is sometimes hard to do that at an insurance company. I wish I could incorporate my giftedness with computers with my ministry background. But that opportunity has yet to come through. My ministry to church has gone completely flat. I am just surviving and not doing a lot. I resigned the little bit of ministry I was doing when we lost Isabella to focus on my family. I do not regret that. My family is my first ministry; even that I fail at. Our church family has moved on. Worship is stale for me; I find it hard to get much meat and I find it hard to worship.
There are things I can do. I can draw closer to God. I am beginning to do that. I am and have been fighting for my marriage and my family and I will continue to do that. I am seeking to know where God would have me go in ministry. I know this, Lord willing, I really want out of Shepherdsville. I just don’t feel like there is much holding me here anymore. I am ready for a change of scenery. But that dream seems so impossible right now. It is a terrible economy and a lousy market to move in and we do not have any foreseeable increase coming to our income to realistically make a move. But I so desperately want to move. And nothing can seem to break this nagging feeling that I really am truly alone. I know that my aloneness is mostly my own fault. I just don’t know how to have close friendships. But I would really like to start over.
If you care anything at all for us, pray! Pray for me. Pray for me to be a better husband, a better dad, a better disciple. Pray for me to be a better friend. Pray for me to care about serving God and his church. Pray that my heart softens and that I can heal and that my healing can rub off on my wife. Pray that those close to us would finally show some concern that is deeper than just asking how are you?
One thing that struck me this week was when a couple who were total strangers to us, stopped by to talk to us and truly took time to empathize and ask us hard questions. Strangers asked me how I was doing with God through all of this. I have not been asked that by anyone close to me. It meant so much. One of them even prayed with Gladys. They recognized our pain and took time to minister to us. I am thankful to God for that but sad that so few others recognize this need in us. My prayer is that He will send more people like that into our lives in the next few months.
As we prepare for our next baby, there are so many fears. But there is no turning back. I just wish I did not feel so alone.
