Well, I've never attempted anything like this before. I am not much of a writer and this is probably not how you start your first blog out according to conventional wisdom, heck - I don't think I've ever read a blog before. The good thing is I've never really been conventional. I am a pretty open person in many ways and yet very private as well. If you expect to get some deeply profound thoughts from me, you probably will be disappointed. If you expect to be encouraged by my immense faith, you will probably be disappointed. However, if you want to see into the heart of a grieving father who deep down inside still knows God to be good, then you may find some sort of blessing through this blog. I hope you find a man who is real and honest about his faith and his struggles.
The reason this blog exists, for those who may not know, is to journal my emotions as I deal with the loss of my baby girl Isabella Grace. Isabella's family looked forward to her joining us for 9 months. We were so excited especially after the first trimester was over as we had experienced a miscarriage about 6 month before Isabella was conceived. Her day of arrival came and she was birthed and with very little indication that anything was wrong. Once she passed out of the womb and into our world our hopes changed drastically. She came out unresponsive, limp and with a cord tangled around her neck about 6 times. We are not really sure what happened as we had a healthy heartbeat all the way up until we could no longer hear it as she passed through the birth canal. As she began to enter the world she had a pink top on her hairy little head. However, as she continued to push her way out we saw that there was a serious cord issue. Everything was done to save her, but no physical response would ever be given to us.
She was so beautiful. I can never describe how beautiful a baby she was. In addition to her beauty was the fact that she was a girl. We chose not to find out the sex this time, we had two boys long before Isabella. We wanted to be surprised. I am torn with emotion because deep down I wanted a little girl. I wanted that experience of raising a daughter. I wanted to dance with her, teach her about boys and tell her how captivating she was to me as I know that every little girl wants to be captivating to their daddy's. They want to feel beautiful and I wanted to be able to express that to a daughter. It is a very difficult thing to know that I will miss so many life moments with Isabella Grace. I also never got a chance to see my baby girl's eyes. That tares me up even now, never having seen her eyes. But I did get a few things that help ease the pain. I was able to hold her for a very long time. Looking back it will never feel like enough time, but nonetheless, I held my little girl for a long while. Thankfully, we have pictures of her as we had a photographer present at the birth. I will cherish these pictures always.
Of course, I struggle with many issues now that will take me a very long time to work through. It is funny, I never could quite understand Job from the Bible. It is sort of surreal when you read about all the loss that Job experienced. And the fact is, Job is NOT a comforting story. Job has so many "Why" moments in his story. I understand that now. I think the reality is I didn't think I was like Job's three ignorant friends and I thought I was more like the somewhat understanding Elihu. The reality is I was more like the three ignorant friends. I may not have blamed Job's troubles on his sin, but I did have trouble relating to Job as I think his friends did. I think we all sort of are like that until we truly experience loss. Maybe not, but that is my impression. I think now I understand Job a little better. I may not have had as much loss as Job, but I now understand loss better and what it means to have the "Why" questions.
I also understand something all to real that Job experienced - the silence of God. I hear that silence in many ways now. Because that silence is in my "Whys". I want to know so many questions as Job did. God may not have stayed silent forever with Job, but I get the impression that Job did not hear from Him for a while. And what is not comforting about Job and his story is that his "Whys" were never really answered by God, at least not to Job. If all of our stories ended like Job's, life would be pretty depressing. However, for Job there was one answer that he held tight to before he even heard from God. Job knew that his redeemer lived and that in his flesh he would see Him and not another. Job 19:25-27
25 “But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
and he will stand upon the earth at last.
26 And after my body has decayed,
yet in my body I will see God![b]
27 I will see him for myself.
Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.
I am overwhelmed at the thought! (NLT)
Job held on to hope even in despair and that is really what helps me deal with the silence of God. Job is able to say this before he ever hears from God. Deep down inside I know God is not silent and how can one who has been so silent to God expect God to be so powerfully audible to him. It is a contradiction my head knows well, but my heart cries out "WHY" even still. But I will rest assured tonight that I know my redeemer lives and in my flesh I will see him. Whether or not I ever get answers in this life or even when my flesh finally sees Him, I know that He is good. The fact is that sin and death may not be God's Will, but God does will those miseries into His redemptive story.
Amen, Yes Lord, Come quickly!
2 comments:
Chris, I do not know if Gladys shared with you that we lost our baby boy, Nolan, at 16 weeks, yesterday. He too had a cord around his neck 4 times, cutting into his neck. The doctors, nurses, etc stated that they had never seen one so small, be so tangled in the cord. My question WHY, "why God is something intended to give life, the cause of their deaths?" I too am thankful for the time spent with him, the photos of him. Although they may never be beautiful in anyone elses eyes, to my husband and I, they are priceless. We have to trust that if we knew HIS full plans, then we too would choose HIS paths. Maybe he saved them from something worse, maybe HE protected them and us from a deeper pain. Although, this is hell. I too want HIM to come. Thank you for sharing. Grief is a dark cloud over us. HOPE is all we have.
Chris,
I am glad to finally read your blog posts. Gladys sent the address yesterday. Of course reading your story is helpful, profound, and feels so familiar. I think about Palden's eyes all the time and only once have I seen them in a dream. It's amazing - the gift of a gaze and all that can be communicated. I wonder where we find that with our little ones now....
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