I just can’t do it. I have tried and tried to write something inspiring tonight, but I am not inspired, I’m sad and a little tired. Today marks the 1st month anniversary of Isabella Grace’s birthday and the day she passed into that place I long for, perfection! I wanted to write about all that I am grateful for. I am grateful for a lot, but I am not ready to vocalize that yet. I struggled with the silence of God for a while when everything first happened and I want to write about that, but not tonight. Andrew Peterson wrote an amazing song about the silence of God. Check it out on YouTube sometime. Another song that has been a source of encouragement in my life is Shine by the David Crowder band. They have an awesome video they made using a Lite-Brite on YouTube, check that out also.
Music has really been my encouragement and the source I find God’s voice speaking to me the most right now. He has blessed me with words to finish two songs I had started writing before Isabella was born but I just couldn’t find the right lines to finish it before she came. After her birth and death I heard the words in my head within a few days. He has also blessed me with a new song that helped me vocalize my frustration with this situation. My band got together for a practice session this past Saturday and we started working those songs up. I am so happy to sing these songs; the last song is just a blessing to hear with my band, thank you eXalt! One line from the last song I wrote says “Won’t you show up, please help me escape. This pain’s to real please make it all go away, the louder I cry the more silent you are! But maybe the truth is You’re not that far.” I think this is really how I feel. God seems so distant in so many ways but I know in my heart He is not that far.
I don’t have much else to say but I want to leave you with a poem I wrote the night Isabella passed away. I still hold these words to be true. I look forward to being with her when the great veil of this world is pulled back and we finally see the beauty and majesty of eternity with God. I love you Isabella, happy one month birthday.
Her Father’s Touch
I’ll never get to touch her hand
or hear her call me daddy
I’ll never get to play with her hair
or bounce her on my knee
I’ll never get to dance around the house
with her in her beautiful dress
I’ll never get to watch her put on make-up
for the first time and make such a mess
I’ll never be forced to play dress up
and sit with her and drink invisible tea
We’ll never sit and talk for hours on end
or say “Yes” when she ask “daddy am I lovely?”
I’ll never get to see through her
her mother’s radiant smile
And I’ll never see her marry
or walk her down the aisle
There are so many moments
I’ll never have or do
I’m just not sure
how my family will make it through
But for everything I’ll miss
about my beautiful baby girl
God will be her perfect Father
and she’ll live in a perfect world
She’ll never have to face one fear
or cry herself to sleep
‘Cause she’ll be in her Father’s arms
she will never have to weep
And just as King David knew so well
he would be with his child one day
I too will go to her and she’ll show me around
and together we will stay
I will miss my little girl so much
But it helps to know she has her Father’s touch
6 comments:
Wow son, you continue to blow me away at how good you are at expressing the pain going on inside of you. I cannot seem to do that and to be honest I am fighting depression like I have not in a while. I am not happy because I have so much fear, anger and frustration inside of me that I cannot seem to get out. I am a fixer and I can't fix anything. I want to strike out at someone. I go to my mancave but can't find the energy to finish anything. I am about to start a church and I feel so empty. However through your writings it will and is helping me deal and maybe understand what is going on inside of me. Thanks
We continue to pray for you as you struggle through this Chris. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your struggle with us who read your writings. If you and Gladys need an escape, even for a weekend, we are here.
Chris...First let me say as your brother I am so very proud of you. I love you very much and have felt your pain. I find myself driving down the road and out of no where I break out in tears as I reflect on the weekend we burried Isabella. Having two daughters of my own I can only imagine the loss of one of them and I pray every night that I pass through heavens gaits before either one of them do. You are much more grounded in your faith then I will ever be and you have become a man that many should and will continue to look up to for their own strength in times of sorrow amd pain. I don't have the answers you are looking for and I may not be able to give you the peace you need, but maybe in Gods silence he is allowing you time to reflect back over all the events which occurred prior to the passing of Isabella, to help you make the necessary decisions in the future so you and your family can then move forward. I believe it is in this silence that you will find the strength in yourself to lift your head towards the heavens, to hold those two precious boys in your arms and thank God for those blessings he has given our family. I love you my brother and am here if you need me.
Keep up the beautiful and powerful way you have of expressing yourself, as you are reflecting many hearts and souls and I am one of them. God is much closer than He seems, and He is holding us all in His hands, and Isabella is cradeled in His arms waiting to see all of us as we arrive in our own times to meet the Lord face to face. You are very gifted son and I thank God you are able to be so transparent so others can see God,s love through your heart.
I would echo all of these sentiments. You and Gladys amaze me in the faith you have displayed through all of this, even if you don't feel that way. Thank you for continuing to write such moving lyrics that point us to our suffering Savior - keep on writing!
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