Our 2010 Christmas Letter

We shared this letter with our immediate family this year but we wanted to share it with you all. Merry Christmas!

Dear Friends and Family,

            This is really the first year we have sat down to write a letter to let you know about our lives. I hope this letter finds you all well and anticipating the joys of this season. What can I say; our lives have seen so much this past year. This has truly been the most difficult year we have ever been through. I want to start by thanking all of you who have supported us through the past year’s events. We have been blessed with so much love and support that it truly is overwhelming and impossible to thank everyone for all the help they have given us.

            Our struggles really began over a year ago as Gladys and I began thinking about having a third child. We prayed and felt that children truly are a blessing from the Lord and to have a bag full of quivers (children) is a sign of God’s love and trust towards us. Despite what the world, and sadly many Christians believe, a home full of children is a blessing and not a burden. So we decided to try and have a baby and in typical Lasley/Araujo style it did not take long. We were celebrating the new life growing in Gladys and anticipating the baby’s arrival. Unfortunately, because the world is not as it should be, the life inside of Gladys would not survive and after 8 weeks of having the privilege of carrying God’s creation we miscarried. I buried that baby in our backyard by our garden because I just didn’t know what else to do. I go back there occasionally and look at the spot and think about my lost child; little did I know then that it would be two children before this year ended.

            This year began with Gladys getting pregnant in January as we decided to try again. We waited until after the first few months to really share the news with friends and family as we did not want to break Nate and Sammy’s hearts again if the baby miscarried. When we told Nate about the first miscarriage he literally dropped into our laps and balled his little eyes out. It was really difficult to deal with and I did not want to have to go through that again. But I have discovered that we are not in control, we really are not in control of life. God is the giver and all life is in His hands. Anyway, we told everyone and we told the boys. We had many decisions to make regarding the new birth. We prayed and read and became probably the most educated parents we know on the birth process and all the various options that exist for giving birth. We studied and studied and prayed and prayed and through it all we settled on a plan and we know that God led us in that direction.

            We had a wonderfully healthy baby by all medical standards. We had all of the ultrasounds; heart monitoring and baby check ups that the average pregnant women have. We had one of the best birth teams anybody could have and we had from every appearance the best pregnancy and healthiest baby we ever had. Gladys even took care of herself better than she ever had. She did not gain near as much weight and she ate much healthier. We did everything humanly possible to love this child into the world. Everything seemed great and God was blessing us in so many ways. Gladys had all sorts of new baby stuff practically given to us through craigslist. We got a free crib, video monitors, and a beautiful pack-n-play practically given to us. God even blessed me with a side job teaching as an adjunct for a nearby university that paid for us to get away to the beach in Florida for a 5 day vacation to celebrate our new arrival and our 10 year anniversary.

            There were a couple of things that played out this year that looking back were definite signs of God working because He knew what was coming. Sometime in January I was asked to lead a mission trip to Mexico for our church and I was so excited about it. However, the timing of it was going to be tricky as we would be having a baby late in October and the trip was set to take place in the middle of November. Gladys and I talked and we both thought it would be ok to plan the trip as long as the church knew that the timing might not work and they may need to find a last minute leader for the trip if for some reason the baby was late and I couldn’t make it. The mission committee in their wisdom and their listening to God decided that it would be best to just go ahead with another leader rather than take that chance on me not making it. I was disappointed but I totally understood that decision and looking back God was definitely in control and He knew I would not make that trip. The other thing that happened was that my band had too many events scheduled in October and November. Gladys and I tend to disagree sometimes about my hobby/ministry because I tend to be selfish about what I want and not thinking about the needs of my family. I realized that I had overcommitted and this has happened before. I had to back out of those events and that usually makes a band look pretty bad, but everything worked out for the events we cancelled. No one was upset with us and other things took place that would have cancelled some of those events anyway.

            I guess I am rambling but I sense that God was preparing us because after Isabella came and then passed away I needed so much time to deal with her loss and my family needed me. God was in control. His ways are definitely not my ways and I have a hard time understanding why instead of orchestrating my life around the death of our daughter he could have just orchestrated our daughter to live. But by His decisions that was not what was in store for us.

            Gladys’ labor was beautiful. She was so strong and Isabella again appeared to be very strong by all human wisdom. Her heart endured intense contractions and never really gave us a sign that she had a cord wrapped around her neck 6 times. We really did not know there was any trouble until the moment she entered the world and we saw what had happened. Those images will haunt me forever, images of the cord, her lifeless, limp body and the professionals trying to administer CPR and nose suctioning on such a frail little person. Gladys and I, after realizing that we needed God to give her breath, began praying and praying for her. We wailed and prayed for what felt like an eternity until she was whisked away by the medical people to try and give her life. But it was not to be. She never did take that first breath and we never saw her wiggle and cry out those wonderful newborn cries.

            I am sorry if this letter is so sad and hard to read. But this is what our year has been, this is who we are. We are the parents of two boys on earth and two babies in heaven. They will never be with us here but we will go to them. Many of you never got to hear our story from us and frankly it is too hard to repeat over and over again, so I wanted to share our story with you. We had many joys those 9 months of feeling Isabella, hearing her beautiful heart and seeing her through ultrasounds. We have many beautiful pictures of her after she was born and the time we had with her in the hospital. We have many blessings, but sometimes it is hard to see those through the grief. We love you all and we know you have shared in our grief. We pray that those of you who do not know our Savior will meet Him and come to know Him as we have for He truly is the only One getting us through this time. For those of you that know Him, cling to Him even more for He is our ever present help in times of trouble. This may be a great upcoming year for you but never neglect those things that are most important – your friends, your spouse and children, your family and most of all the Savior Jesus Christ. I wrote a song a few years ago “Hold on to the memories, they fade so fast, there’s pain in these broken dreams, but it’s going to pass.” I never knew how prophetic that would be for us. Cherish the blessings you have, cherish the little things with your family because it all does pass one day. May you find the peace that passes all understanding when you face tragedies in the living years. God Bless!

                                                                                   Chris, Gladys, Nate and Sammy

“Mentioning my child’s name may make me cry. Not mentioning my child’s name will break my heart.” – Unknown

The True Meaning of Christmas

Note to the Reader:

I did not set out to make this a faith based blog that is trying to convert my readers to my faith. I do believe what I hold to is the truth but my intention in this blog is just to write about my struggles. It just happens that Christmas time is here and my struggles have to do with the expression “The true meaning of Christmas.” I needed to think through this and so this blog is somewhat proselytizing, but truly not intentionally. For those of you that don’t share my faith – I hope you understand, but I want to warn you that this blog is about my faith more so than the other blogs.

Every year we inevitably hear the question, what is the true meaning of Christmas? We go to Christmas dramas at church and we watch holiday classic movies. We go to Christmas parties and spend time with family and friends and just about every year I still manage to walk away from these things feeling somewhat empty and I have a feeling in me that this question never really was answered to my satisfaction. What is the true meaning of Christmas? Why do we pull our hair out every year trying to get the best deal so we can manage to afford indulging our kids in things they will toss to the side of their closest before next Christmas? Is giving gifts really the true meaning of Christmas or is it a shadow of the true meaning? Is spending time with those we love the true meaning of Christmas or is spending time with those we love a shadow of the true meaning of Christmas.

I love to watch Christmas movies. There are so many classics that I must watch every year. They are small reminders to me of the true meaning of Christmas, at least they are small shadows of the true meaning of Christmas. I love Charlie Brown’s Christmas because it has such a great message at the end when we find that the true meaning of Christmas is the baby Jesus but it stops there, He was born but so what, what does that mean to the meaning of Christmas? I have to watch some of the silly movies too. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase has to be one of the funniest Christmas movies ever made. But usually what touches me are movies like Miracle on 34^th Street, and how could I not mention It’s a Wonderful Life. It reminds me of how our life is what it is and to trade it in for another would not compare to the blessing we truly do have with our friends and family. I am grateful for my life, for the few real friends that I have and especially for my family both immediate and nuclear. My all-time favorite Christmas movie/story is A Christmas Carol. It doesn’t really matter which version it is, classical black and white, Mickey’s Christmas Carol or even Jim Carrey who I never thought I could like in A Christmas Carol, but he pulled it off. I watched Disney’s newest version of A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey and it was made kind of like The Polar Express with the cool surreal graphics. I really enjoyed watching that because it reminds me of the meaning of Christmas that we are here to touch each other’s lives at least it reminds me of a shadow of the meaning of Christmas. (By the way, it is scary so screen it before letting the kiddos watch it.)

                You see, the meaning of Christmas is kind of hard to explain because we all have differing points of view that give Christmas meaning to us. I saw this in our church’s Christmas drama this past week. Frankly, it didn’t do much for me. Not for any reason in the music just because of my own inner turmoil with having a hard time enjoying much this season because we lost Isabella. She will not be physically part of our Christmas and that is truly ridiculous for me when I think about it. She was so perfect, fearfully and wonderfully made and she just did not take to life for some unknown reason. Yes, there was the cord and yes there will always be ways to explain it, but the reality is, she just did not take that breath on her own. She just did not take to life. So when I watch church musicals or dramas or even my favorite stories it is just not that satisfying. When I hear people say things like, wow, we have just experienced the true meaning of Christmas, I role my eyes and think, I didn’t, I don’t know what you are talking about. But that is me being honest, I’m kind of a jerk inside my head, be glad you aren’t let in too often. Seriously, I am glad that others find meaning in such things. This year I just don’t find much meaning in those usual things. But I did stop to think about that phrase this year, “The true meaning of Christmas.” For the first time in my life I think I really understand.

                I know that Jesus’ birth is the true meaning; it is the true reason why we celebrate. But what is it about that birth that we celebrate. Well, in truth we celebrate that birth because in that birth we can celebrate His death. Celebrate death? That sounds kind of twisted doesn’t it? But it is true! It is in his death that we have life. However, the meaning of Christmas is not just found in Christ’s death. It is found in the suffering that Christ experienced while on this earth. Jesus knew suffering. He experienced the loss of his earthly, adopted father; he was challenged to run the family business until the other kids were old enough to take over. He was betrayed by a close friend. He was tortured beyond what any of us can humanly comprehend by some of the most ruthless torturers the world has ever known, all because a group of religious leaders felt threatened by what he was doing to their traditions. He never owned land or a home, never married and had a family; he was really as poor as poor could be living off donations. He truly knew what suffering was physically but he also knew suffering in a spiritual sense. As he hung upon the cross, a devise of endless torture that lasted sometimes days, he experienced the outpouring of all our rebellion against God. He truly experienced spiritual separation from God as that was taking place and he screamed out “My God! Why have you forsaken me?” For the first time he felt a separation from the unity he had with God and that truly is spiritual suffering

Before I really get too preachy I want to bring this back full circle, the reason I find meaning in Christ birth this year is because for the first time in my life I have experienced real suffering. I have lost something so near and dear to my heart. I have tasted something so beautiful only to have it ripped away. You see, I now realize in my heart what my head has always known. This world sucks in so many ways. Life is miserably difficult and it is not as it should be. It is messed up and bad thing happen to both good and bad people (whatever that means - good and bad people, I’m not sure any of us are as good as we think). But what Jesus did on that Cross, what he did by sacrificing his perfect sinless life was to provide an opportunity for you and me to escape this suffering. It may take until I turn 100 years old but I will escape this suffering world. My life on earth will be so small in comparison to eternity.

                I apologize to my friends who are reading this who do not believe in my faith. I know I have been preachy and believe me, it has not been intentional. I honestly wish I could be more intentional more often because I do believe I have the truth to life that is the only real source of peace to deal with life. Many people believe what I hold on to is just a crutch to help me get through it because the human animal needs something to believe in. This is not a fairy-tale to make me feel better. Believe me, if I could rationalize a different faith in my head that makes sense then I would follow it. See I don’t like being told how much of a sinner I am. I don’t like being told I’m in rebellion to my creator and I will be separated from him in hell unless I follow his plan of salvation. But my desire for the truth is greater than my desire for something that makes me feel good. His ways are not my ways. I would have chosen to believe in something much more attractive than the death of Jesus on the cross to save me from my sins if I could. The problem for me is that nothing else makes as much sense as Christianity to me. It makes perfect sense to me and it is very rationally based. Of course, there is an element of faith involved. Miracles are hard to believe in, especially when the miracle we hoped for never came true. There are elements of theology that are hard to understand, like the trinity and it does require some faith to believe. But the truth that Jesus Christ came and suffered so that one day our suffering could be eliminated if we just trust him makes complete sense to me – now more than ever.

                Isabella died and her death is a great example to us all that life sucks and is full of suffering. But the true meaning of Christmas is wrapped up in the truth that Jesus came to set us free from suffering. One day I will taste death because I am a sinner, but it won’t last long because I have a Savior who will not let me see decay and I will live with him and Isabella because he sought me out and helped me see that He is the way the truth and the life. He came so that we could have life and have it to the full. He came so that my suffering will one day be gone when I stand face to face with the one who suffered in my place.

Amen, come Lord quickly.

Healing through Music

            I just can’t do it. I have tried and tried to write something inspiring tonight, but I am not inspired, I’m sad and a little tired. Today marks the 1^st month anniversary of Isabella Grace’s birthday and the day she passed into that place I long for, perfection! I wanted to write about all that I am grateful for. I am grateful for a lot, but I am not ready to vocalize that yet. I struggled with the silence of God for a while when everything first happened and I want to write about that, but not tonight. Andrew Peterson wrote an amazing song about the silence of God. Check it out on YouTube sometime. Another song that has been a source of encouragement in my life is Shine by the David Crowder band. They have an awesome video they made using a Lite-Brite on YouTube, check that out also.

            Music has really been my encouragement and the source I find God’s voice speaking to me the most right now. He has blessed me with words to finish two songs I had started writing before Isabella was born but I just couldn’t find the right lines to finish it before she came. After her birth and death I heard the words in my head within a few days. He has also blessed me with a new song that helped me vocalize my frustration with this situation. My band got together for a practice session this past Saturday and we started working those songs up. I am so happy to sing these songs; the last song is just a blessing to hear with my band, thank you eXalt! One line from the last song I wrote says “Won’t you show up, please help me escape. This pain’s to real please make it all go away, the louder I cry the more silent you are! But maybe the truth is You’re not that far.” I think this is really how I feel. God seems so distant in so many ways but I know in my heart He is not that far.

            I don’t have much else to say but I want to leave you with a poem I wrote the night Isabella passed away. I still hold these words to be true. I look forward to being with her when the great veil of this world is pulled back and we finally see the beauty and majesty of eternity with God. I love you Isabella, happy one month birthday.

Her Father’s Touch

I’ll never get to touch her hand

or hear her call me daddy

I’ll never get to play with her hair

or bounce her on my knee

I’ll never get to dance around the house

with her in her beautiful dress

I’ll never get to watch her put on make-up

for the first time and make such a mess

I’ll never be forced to play dress up

and sit with her and drink invisible tea

We’ll never sit and talk for hours on end

or say “Yes” when she ask “daddy am I lovely?”

I’ll never get to see through her

her mother’s radiant smile

And I’ll never see her marry

or walk her down the aisle

There are so many moments

I’ll never have or do

I’m just not sure

how my family will make it through

But for everything I’ll miss

about my beautiful baby girl

God will be her perfect Father

and she’ll live in a perfect world

She’ll never have to face one fear

or cry herself to sleep

‘Cause she’ll be in her Father’s arms

she will never have to weep

And just as King David knew so well

he would be with his child one day

I too will go to her and she’ll show me around

and together we will stay

I will miss my little girl so much

But it helps to know she has her Father’s touch

Hard to Get

I want to start by asking your forgiveness tonight. I am angry, I probably shouldn’t write tonight but I need to let this out. I am angry but probably not at the thing you would think – I’ll get to that in a minute. I am also perplexed. I don’t understand God. Now before you try to console me with all your wisdom about God don’t forget Job’s three friends were firmly convinced in their view of God. They were proved to be wrong. So please hold your tongue for a minute and let me vent. I don’t understand God and I am not alone. Job did not understand God. Habakkuk cried out from his watchtower because he just did not understand what God was doing. God is hard to get and he plays hard to get. Look at all the religions of the world out there, a grasping to understand God and make God what they want him to be. It is so complicated that most of them had to split him into multiple personalities (gods). The truth is we would all be completely lost in our understanding of God if he had not provided some level of detail about Himself to us. He did it in two forms. The word of God (the Bible) and God in human flesh – Christ Jesus, for the word became flesh and dwelt among us.

Even with that level of knowledge that we have been privileged with by God, God is still sometimes just plain hard to get. You may doubt what I am saying but you do not have to live in my house and listen to my wife wailing in the bathroom trying to keep the rest of us from hearing her mourning. There is a part of grief that I can try and try to explain away with the deepest of theological discourse but it does not take away the pain and the knowledge that God was more than strong enough to keep Isabella from passing on so early. We were robbed of so much. Yes, I know we were given so much. We had much joy in preparing a place for Isabella as I know God has had as much joy in doing the same. But that doesn’t take away the emptiness in my heart that is my daughter and her quick departure from me. God is not easy to understand. I am not convinced he means to be. I am not convinced an eternity with Him will bring an end to my amazement at how complex he is.

I have said my peace. I know God is sufficient and I know God does not have to give me anything or any answer. I also know that God loves me and I truly believe God grieves with me because this is not how the world was meant to be. We live in one messed up crazy world and truth be told, it is messed up because we made it that way. God did not force us to sin against him; in fact, Satan did not force us to rebel against God. We chose to rebel and we do it everyday as a race. Earlier I said I was angry. I’m not angry at God, I don’t get Him, but I’m not angry, at least not this second! I’m not angry at my wife, I’m not angry at our delivery. I am angry at sin. I am angry that my sin (in general) has caused such a divide that God is so hard for me to get. I long for those days when I can walk in the garden with God like Adam and Eve did and to experience that level of relationship that they experienced before they rebelled. I long for an intimacy that will help me find God less hard to get.

I end tonight with a song Rich Mullins wrote. It fits my mood perfectly. Rich was a man of God that I could only dream of being. He had a true gift for writing music. He had realness and openness in his lyrics that I think is only second to King David’s honesty. I want to be real like David and Rich with God. God knows my thoughts. I want to be open like this yet to remain like Job. To question, to cry out and to wait for the answers that may never come, but all the while to remain faithful to God and not curse Him. He is good and His love endures forever.

Rich Mullins – Hard to Get

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Why this blog?

   Well, I've never attempted anything like this before. I am not much of a writer and this is probably not how you start your first blog out according to conventional wisdom, heck - I don't think I've ever read a blog before. The good thing is I've never really been conventional. I am a pretty open person in many ways and yet very private as well. If you expect to get some deeply profound thoughts from me, you probably will be disappointed. If you expect to be encouraged by my immense faith, you will probably be disappointed. However, if you want to see into the heart of a grieving father who deep down inside still knows God to be good, then you may find some sort of blessing through this blog. I hope you find a man who is real and honest about his faith and his struggles.
   The reason this blog exists, for those who may not know, is to journal my emotions as I deal with the loss of my baby girl Isabella Grace. Isabella's family looked forward to her joining us for 9 months. We were so excited especially after the first trimester was over as we had experienced a miscarriage about 6 month before Isabella was conceived. Her day of arrival came and she was birthed and with very little indication that anything was wrong. Once she passed out of the womb and into our world our hopes changed drastically. She came out unresponsive, limp and with a cord tangled around her neck about 6 times. We are not really sure what happened as we had a healthy heartbeat all the way up until we could no longer hear it as she passed through the birth canal. As she began to enter the world she had a pink top on her hairy little head. However, as she continued to push her way out we saw that there was a serious cord issue. Everything was done to save her, but no physical response would ever be given to us.
   She was so beautiful. I can never describe how beautiful a baby she was. In addition to her beauty was the fact that she was a girl. We chose not to find out the sex this time, we had two boys long before Isabella. We wanted to be surprised. I am torn with emotion because deep down I wanted a little girl. I wanted that experience of raising a daughter. I wanted to dance with her, teach her about boys and tell her how captivating she was to me as I know that every little girl wants to be captivating to their daddy's. They want to feel beautiful and I wanted to be able to express that to a daughter. It is a very difficult thing to know that I will miss so many life moments with Isabella Grace. I also never got a chance to see my baby girl's eyes. That tares me up even now, never having seen her eyes. But I did get a few things that help ease the pain. I was able to hold her for a very long time. Looking back it will never feel like enough time, but nonetheless, I held my little girl for a long while. Thankfully, we have pictures of her as we had a photographer present at the birth. I will cherish these pictures always.
   Of course, I struggle with many issues now that will take me a very long time to work through. It is funny, I never could quite understand Job from the Bible. It is sort of surreal when you read about all the loss that Job experienced. And the fact is, Job is NOT a comforting story. Job has so many "Why" moments in his story. I understand that now. I think the reality is I didn't think I was like Job's three ignorant friends and I thought I was more like the somewhat understanding Elihu. The reality is I was more like the three ignorant friends. I may not have blamed Job's troubles on his sin, but I did have trouble relating to Job as I think his friends did. I think we all sort of are like that until we truly experience loss. Maybe not, but that is my impression. I think now I understand Job a little better. I may not have had as much loss as Job, but I now understand loss better and what it means to have the "Why" questions.
   I also understand something all to real that Job experienced - the silence of God. I hear that silence in many ways now. Because that silence is in my "Whys". I want to know so many questions as Job did. God may not have stayed silent forever with Job, but I get the impression that Job did not hear from Him for a while. And what is not comforting about Job and his story is that his "Whys" were never really answered by God, at least not to Job. If all of our stories ended like Job's, life would be pretty depressing. However, for Job there was one answer that he held tight to before he even heard from God. Job knew that his redeemer lived and that in his flesh he would see Him and not another. Job 19:25-27
²⁵ “But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,
      and he will stand upon the earth at last.
 ²⁶ And after my body has decayed,
      yet in my body I will see God!^[b]
 27 I will see him for myself.
      Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.
      I am overwhelmed at the thought! (NLT)

Job held on to hope even in despair and that is really what helps me deal with the silence of God. Job is able to say this before he ever hears from God. Deep down inside I know God is not silent and how can one who has been so silent to God expect God to be so powerfully audible to him. It is a contradiction my head knows well, but my heart cries out "WHY" even still. But I will rest assured tonight that I know my redeemer lives and in my flesh I will see him. Whether or not I ever get answers in this life or even when my flesh finally sees Him, I know that He is good.  The fact is that sin and death may not be God's Will, but God does will those miseries into His redemptive story.

Amen, Yes Lord, Come quickly!